A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell

Year: 1990
Director: Brett Piper
Writer: Brett Piper
Genre: Fantasy

If there's ever a movie people would gravitate toward due to the title this is it. A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell sets itself up to be quite a ride with a name like that. Unfortunately, beyond the first few minutes, almost nothing to do with "nympoids" or dinosaurs occurs.

The movie is hugely low budget and with a pretty dull story. Honestly, I can't even remember what really happened aside from the girl barbarian meeting the boy barbarian and then for some reason they try to destroy this evil guy. Yep, that's about as deep as it goes.

Troma certainly isn't a big budget studio but it seems like even LESS money was somehow spent on producing this. While many Troma films feature the famous car chase/flip/explosion scene, this film takes scenes from a handful of the Troma library for no good reason. Thankfully that's only the case for the introduction but I was worried the entire movie might be that way. If I'd let my fear get the best of me then I probably would have just stopped watching before 10 minutes were done.

As it stands this movie is pretty dull. The name is great but everything else is supremely lackluster. Skip it.

Wishmaster 2: Evil Never Dies

Year: 1999
Director: Jack Sholder
Writer: Jack Sholder
Genre: Horror: Fantasy

Because I felt I hadn't suffered enough I took the time to watch the second Wishmaster film. As it turns out, it's better than the first. For one, the massive over-reliance on CGI is mostly gone. There are some new gross gore scenes, and generally the movie just makes a bit more sense. I still didn't really like it but it was an improvement.

This time around the evil genie man gets sent to jail. With all the murder he was committing in the first movie it really only was a matter of time. It's in jail where he gets to grant the wishes of may convicts. They seem to take things in stride even if people are getting screwed up left and right. Just pass him a pack of cigarettes and it's about the same level of dealings that these guys were used to before.

Beyond that there's some sort of story going on with the lead woman but really it's the genie who is the star. His slick demeanor drives everyone nuts except the viewer. It's entertaining to watch him work his magic on unsuspecting victims.

Still, the movie seems to rely too much on the coolness of how wishes can be mistranslated rather than any true story. Sometimes it's fun when there's no real story to have to focus on but in the case of Wishmaster 2 I mostly fell asleep. It might be a good time for some people though.

Wishmaster

Year: 1997
Director: Robert Kurtzman
Writer: Peter Atkins
Genre: Horror: Fantasy

Wow. Have you ever wanted to see the epitome of 90s movie fads in one feature? If so, Wishmaster is for you. If you're instead looking for a serious look at "evil" genies then please proceed elsewhere. This movie is laughably bad.

I recognize that CGI was coming into its own during these years and people would use it gratuitously thinking it looked godly. These types of movies never age very well, but this one is particularly bad. CGI is so extremely overused it feels like a commercial for a digital arts college. Not only it is overused it seems to be the only thing the movie relies on. Serious plot? Who needs one when we've got these fancy graphics!

Despite the mass of CGI silliness there is still nice makeup and gore effects going on. Some are particularly gnarly (enough so that I still remember them). That's a plus, but beyond that the movie is pretty dumb. You've got a genie who grants wishes to people... but he's not very nice in the way he grants them. While the story could have blossomed into something legitimately neat it mostly seems an excuse to make cool things happen on screen.

If it weren't for some of the extreme gore this would be about as thought provoking as a children's movie. Well, I mean, the gore keeps it from being for children but beyond that it seems like it could be. Why do I say this? Well, for some reason whenever a weird murdery wish is granted it causes an explosion. Oh, so you've turned some guy into ice? He's gonna explode! Oh, you've re-animated a statue? Make it explode! There are at least 4 unexplained explosions which only seemed to be there because it was "cool".

So yeah, I'd advise against staying far away from this movie. It rubbed me in completely the wrong way and I don't wish this atrocity on anybody.

Here's a nice clip from the movie:

Troll 2

Year: 1990
Director: Claudio Fragasso
Writer: Claudio Fragasso, Rossella Drudi
Genre: Horror, Fantasy

Troll 2 is the worst movie ever made. It isn't, but that's the award it held for some time unofficially via IMDB's bottom 100 films list. It's easy to be a bad film, but to fail so spectacularly that everything becomes hilarious is rare to find. It's because of this "so bad it's good" quality that this is one of the greatest movie treats I've had in a long time.

For a long time, I'd heard many great things about Troll 2. Because of that, I avoided it nearly constantly. I didn't wish to find that the movie wasn't nearly as good as everyone had built it up to be. Before watching it, I'd seen the documentary (Best Worst Movie) as well as seen a small clip ("They're eating her! Then they're going to eat me! Oh my goooooooooooooood!"). Between those two things, I really had no urge to see the film any time soon. Out of sheer boredom and attempt to please a guest, I decided to watch it finally. Everything everyone has ever said about the movie is true.

Every second is horrible. The story is held together well enough that it ins't incomprehensible, even if it is silly as hell. The script is awkward at many points and characters talk in unnatural ways. This is attributed to the scriptwriter and director who apparently was much less of an English speaker than he is now. The characters are your typical American family doing a sort of house exchange with countryfolk for a vacation. Of course, things go terribly wrong when goblins (not trolls!) in the town want to eat the happy family.

The movie is full of terrible and equally memorable moments. There's a bit involving corn that made me bust out laughing and so many other unintended gags. Certain characters seem legitimately crazy. A kid pees on his family's welcome dinner. This is the kind of movie to watch with friends. Alongside Final Flesh, I've yet to see anything wackier.

Alice

Year: 1988
Director: Jan Svankmajer
Writer: Jan Svankmajer
Genre: Fantasy

The story of how I became a Svankmajer fan is one that happened fully on chance. It came from reading some random thread on SomethingAwful and seeing someone with the strangest animated avatar. Someone asked them what on earth it was. The answer was it was the baby in the film Little Otik. As the image intrigued me so damn much, I went ahead and got a copy of the film and watched it straight away. It was great. It was a sort of fairy tale gone dark and weird (in a much different and "realer" way than Tim Burton's modern stuff). So, that's my backstory.

I didn't even know he made an adaptation of Alice in Wonderland until more recently. Obviously, it interested me but finally just got around to seeing it shortly ago. While it does contain his signature eccentricity, it doesn't come together as an all-together great piece. Firstly, the film draws on much too long and is very dull in many parts.

There was some definite charm and moments where I laughed out of sheer amazement, but these moments were few and far between. The story is about the same as the original from what I recall, but of course played out a bit odder. The caterpillar character for example is a sock with holes in it which he fills with marble eyes. he sits upon a wooden knob and hides in a desk drawer while sleeping. It's odd stuff.

What is most interesting is to see how what is now basically classified as a "children's story" can still be so warped. In the introductory monologue Alice states that this is a movie for children "perhaps?". All I know is it would be a rather horrific movie for a child. The visuals are much stranger than any Disney film and the animation technique of Svankmajer always borders on creepy. It might be worth a watch for Alice in Wonderland buffs, but otherwise you're not missing much.

Waxwork

Year: 1988
Director: Anthony Hickox
Writer: Anthony Hickox
Genre: Horror, Fantasy

Let me start off by saying that Waxwork is not a shining example of creative horror filmmaking. However, it still tries something a little bit different and it's better for it.

The basic premise is that a waxworks has suddenly shown up in a small town. A group of teens are invited to come to a private showing at midnight (always with these midnight celebrations). Of course they all go but teens start disappearing one by one. Without the police to turn to, the remaining teens take it upon themselves to figure out what happened.

The creative bit is that the man who owns the waxwork is not the one holding a knife and killing people. He lets his wax scenes do the work for him. The viewers are drawn in to examine the figures but find themselves walking into the scenes depicted and playing them out. Of course, all the scenes depict some scene where death is imminent.

It plays out pretty interestingly even if the climax turns silly. Of note though, it's very worth sticking around to see a man in a wheechair decked out to look like a battle tank. Also, Marquis de Sade is in a horror movie. That's gotta entice some viewers out there.